Carlaesque’s Blog

“And the wife is not the same as the virgin. The virgin gives her mind to the things of the Lord, so that she may be holy in body and in spirit: but the married woman takes thought for the things of the world, how she may give pleasure to her husband.” 1 Corinthians 7:34

Keeping this verse in mind, the following excerpts are from Dr. Laura’s book for wives, “The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands.” I’m single. My body and spirit together belong to only One.. for now. I’m reading this book through for a few reasons.. one being, I want to one day be the best wife EVER, but I also believe that the marriage commitment is a parallel to the covenant commitment God made to me. So.. in reading, I’m constantly being reminded that these roles are already written on my heart, whether or not I submit myself to a husband one day. So anyway.. if you’re single, read this. If you’re married, I can only imagine you’ll want to read the whole book.. it makes so much sense and is so refreshing.

****************

Having [a] loving, attentive, playful connection with [your] husband reduce[s] stress by adding a dimension of shared joy. This is a point too many women miss when they complain about being drained by their husbands’ needs, or when they resent their husbands’ needs, or when they perceive themselves as being victimized by their lives.

Which brings me to my next point, which is that lives are constructed of choices. Unless lightning has struck your house (obviously out of your control), your life is constructed out of the building blocks of your choices, good ones as well as bad. The bad choices (self-centered, short-sighted, immature, or just plain stupid) can have unpleasant consequences to marriages.

There are only so many hours in a day and only so many things any of us can do and still do well. Prioritizing is a must. Without it–that is, without formally or informally listing in order of importance what is necessary and whit is negotiable–the important things tend to slip down on the list. Prioritizing is a moment-to-moment necessity, not just an issue of long-term planning.

Luke, a listener, wrote to me of a call he heard on my program that changed his immediate behavior. The caller had asked what she could do about her husband, who felt that he wasn’t the number one priority in her life. I quickly told her that she needed to make him the number one priority or, in essence, her marital vows were hollow.

Of course, she resisted, complaining about already having too many demands on her and this just made her life tougher. I commented on how self-centered a perspective that was and challenged her to imagine being on the receiving end of her behavior.

After hearing this, Luke wrote:

“I was thinking about how crazy it is to marry and then not enjoy it with your spouse. My wife and I have been married for just under a year, and I really enjoy the marriage. Then I began to reflect on what my weekend held, and you guessed it: I was about to neglect our ‘Friday Date Night’ in the name of studying for my college finals and my lesson preparation for my high-school teaching job. Well, my wife was still at work when I got home, so I got out the books and tried to get as much done as possible. When she walked in the door, I hugged her and told her to get ready because we were going out on the town that night.”

Luke admitted that he had been letting her slip on his priority list–and that it hadn’t even taken a year for him to become a meathead. He had justified this priority shuffling with the thought that he would put his wife at number one when he had more time. He ended his letter by thanking me for the lesson learned that no one is immune to occasional short-sightedness and faulty logic.

It is important to look again at what the logic was: that he would put her at number one when he had more time. What does that mean? That means that she was never to be number one unless there was nothing else on the list. When was that going to happen?

..

If you decide that the most important thing about your life is your worker-ant role, you’ll likely feel drained a lot of the time and resent the obligations you have to your husband and children–obligations that, ironically, will save you from that feeling of being drained in the first place.

You are not loved, adored, and intimately needed at work. Check out all the competitive backbiting, layoffs, and computerization and mechanization substitutions for human beings going on in the work place. Meanwhile, you are a goddess to your children and a queen to your husband. Let’s see. Aside from the paycheck issue, which one is more nourishing and rewarding?

Now let me make something completely clear. I am not suggesting married women should not work. I am not suggesting that there is no valid form of personal expression of creativity and special gifts outside the home. Obviously, I have a radio and writing career. I just took up sailing. I love taking on challenges and doing service. But from day one, I have always made it clear to everyone, especially my husband and child, that if anything got in the way of family, it would get tempered or excised.

It’s one thing to have a tiring, stressful day–or even week. It’s another thing to allow outside activities, no matter how seemingly important, to routinely get in the way of obligations to the roles created by holy vows, moral obligations, and love.

From “The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands” by Dr. Laura Schlessinger

A clipping from today’s physical journal entry:

Oh how funny.. Sonny and Cher’s “I Got You, Babe” is blaring from somewhere down the street.

Anyway-last night, and really just recently, the theme of the tune has been “acceptance.” Feelings aside, I am where I am, and if it’s not a place I like, and I can’t seem to get out of it, the God alive inside me, can. As long as I’m determined to have things a certain way, even if they’re good ways-God can’t do His work, and I can’t reap that harvest.

I find myself asking constantly then, “HOW?” I guess that’s the question of the era. Who ever really finds out how? I guess sometimes the “how-answer” isn’t necessary. It’s nice.. but when I don’t know how exactly [a friend] would best receive my love- I just do what I know to do, and let [them] deal with the effects. Not forgetting the responsibility that comes with an act of love.. I guess God and my relationship may be similar.

Holy cow the sky is so blue. Unreal. All right, so.. there was.. oh yeah. So [a certain person I know] has had this understandable burr under [their] saddle about the seemingly self-effacement exhibited in church. But [they] went ahead anyway and tried as an experiment the prayer that goes, “Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me,” and found it to be an intensely peaceful experience. We were talking about all that, and a revelational thought came to me. It may or may not be accurate Biblically, but I don’t think either way it would invalidate its essence.

Basically, I believe when we pray, “have mercy on me,” the plea is for God’s perspective.

Mercy, in my mind, is salvation. Coming from holiness into blemish, to inspire, rescue, redeem, restore, encourage, or reveal.

In that sense, I NEED His mercy in so many ways. Recently, I’ve been needing it to bring me back to a place of true assessment. Of myself and others. For the purpose, of course, to be truly alive and therein, glorifying to Creator-God. OH HOW I need that. Somehow, left to myself, I WILL appraise myself as defected.

ThAT is my Dead Self.

My dead self feeds on self-mutilation. As long as I’m beating myself up for something, I’m feeding my own corpse, and since a man cannot serve two masters, my dead self will be in power, and the cycle will continue. It wants me completely useless to God [dead] and will even stoop to friendly fire to get it. I oooooften find myself there.. beating myself up for beating myself up.

Oh my. Something’s going on downstairs. It’s so beautiful.. the breeze is like running water.. the little clicks and chirps in the trees are like bubbles.. The leaves are starting to fall. I guess it’s the sycamores that are already bare. I smell gasoline. The maintenance guy was here earlier, I wonder if he’s going to weedwack or mow. Ohp!-mow. He was fiddling with some tool or another earlier, and I could just barely hear him singing to himself. I imagine it was an old folk song.

“The sound, you hear, right now, is a.. LAwn MOWer.”

[^that's an inside joke.]

I’m going to go do my own maintenance now..

Well, well, well.

It’s August 10th, 2009. I’m sitting in the home of Bill and Debra Sanford in Gulfport Mississippi. It’s 12:00 noon, which means I can’t go outside for at least six more hours. The air here is just ridiculous. I think I’m slowly adjusting though. The day we drove down here, I was exhausted, so I got to bed early and woke up late.. with an awful headache that I THINk has to do with the climate difference. I’ve been taking decongestants, because I can’t breathe, and antihistamines, because I keep sneezing.. anyway! Everything seems to be tapering off into niceness and order. 

Corinne and I left Knoxville after several delays on August 8th. Before we departed, we saw Will Reagan’s concert at the Bijou Theatre on the 7th, which was awersome.. we had an interesting run-in with a traveling musician from New York. He blessed our trip and asked us to bless the rest of his, and let us know we were welcome to visit him if we were coming through New York City (woot! woot!).

We drove down to Raymond, Mississippi first, for the wedding of Jessica Gilman and Jonathan Knight (friends of mine). I was a bridesmaid and Corinne had never met anyone there! ..so we had a very interesting time. Lots of Gilman hugs to make everything less hectic. We stayed the night at their house on the lake, which was beautiful.. The wedding went exceptionally well the next day.. met several new friends and had a great old time hangin’ out at the local Dairy Queen.

We ended up leaving Raymond around 3:30 and arriving in Gulfport at about 6:00 or so. We tried to regroup and debrief ourselves at the beach before we headed to our next location, but we ran into aNOther traveling couple, who talked with us for quite some time about their travels and recommendations. It was nice.. so then we went to the Sanford home!

The Sanfords are sweet people. Bill is a genius. Knows just about everything you could ever want to know. Apparently.. all he does, every day (he said this, but could it be true?) is study the Torah. He calls himself a Messianic Jew, as do the rest of his family. Basically.. they believe the Law was never nullified, that Christ came to compLETE it, not take away from it. There’s lots more to it, but I’m kind of reeling from all the information I’ve been given, so.. maybe more later on that. Bill looks like Dad a LOt. Cheekbones, eyes, chin, build, and mannerisms. It’s SO funny!!

Debra is an elementary school counselor. She reminds me of a cross between Debbie Wilkerson and Lisa Lee.. very gentle and sweet. And short. Bill and Debra have five kids.. the two oldest are off and married, and the three boys are all still living at home. They are Jason, Jordan, and Justin. The two older girls are Jennifer and Jessica. The boys are all unique and.. talented. Justin will be going to school to be a nurse this year; Jordan is in school for math; and Jason is in a band and paints.

Last night I met a bunch of Corinne’s friends from here and close-by. She’s told me about all of these people for months and months.. I feel like I already know them, and it’s strange that they have to ask me my name twice..  

Well.. what else.. I’ve got my sewing machine here and a lot of material that I think I may start making into sellable items.. hrm hm. When Corinne wakes up and I can make loud noises, that is..

Spiritually, I’ve been having my usual travel hitch.. for some reason (I must find it), whenever I travel, the first at least five days are really difficult for me. I’m in a daze. It’s hard to process things.. I hope the erratic (right word?) nature of this trip will shake some of that. I think it could be very natural.. I tend to think of my physical home as somewhat intertwined with my spiritual home. I think that’s why I strive to make wherever I’m living absolutely beautiful and welcoming.. I can’t abide a living situation that feels stifled, suppressed, cluttered, etc. Anyway, I think this travel hitch may be simply me being completely thrown out of my comfort zone of having my own home. ::sigh:: God is my home. I’ll just abide in Him..

I suppose that’s all for now. I believe I will eat some delicious granola now.

I’m just wondering where my friends are. Seems like they all got married or boyfriends. I wonder if I did this to my friends when I got a boyfriend. Why do we have to want boyfriends. Why does there have to be this tension. I hate it. I hate that my friends leave me. I hate it. I want to live and relate and be with my friends. But they’re too busy living and relating and being with their mates. I have some grace for that.. I know what it’s like to be in love.. but.. I wish I had friends again..

That was just from a song that’s been on my head all day, it has nothing to do at all with how depressed and lonely I am. Not even a little bit.

I’m sitting here at the GOlden Roast. There is an artist’s work displayed this month of beautiful, beautiful men. Beautiful. And there is actually one sitting in front of me. It’s unnerving me. OR (rather) I am unnerved.

Beautiful things. “Perfect” things (on the outside) are all around me these days. I’m noticing them. Sometimes I notice them like this: “Ohhhhh what a beautiful _____!” and sometimes I notice them like this: “I am so much less beautiful than ________…” and.. you know, sometimes I notice them like this: “I’ll bet they think they’re beautiful. I’ll bet they think I’m not beautiful. I’ll bet they’d think I was beautiful if ______..”

I’m seeing two things here.

1) Grounded observation, and
2) Subjective assessment.

I want to POUND THIS INTO MY FREAKING HEAD.. so I’m going to expound.

Grounded observation is where my feet are planted in objective TRUTH. I am only acknowledging what is factual, actual, and literally happening RIGHT NOW. I am taking in my surroundings and breathing. When I say “breathing,” I mean “automatically sustaining my own being,” by the way.

The fact.. I think.. is! –that without recognizing my position in reality and the Truth of what IS, I drift into Truth’s ORBIT. I’m not grounded in it at all, and all I can consider is what “ISN’T.” THIS IS A DANGEROUS PLACE. Because.. “wale, Truth’s raht thare!” but I’m not IN it, I’m talking aROUND it.

I don’t know if any of that made sense, but it’s what I’ve been doing ALL DAY today. And I HATE IT!!!!!

Subjective assessment is basically where I’ve lost all touch with the Truth I know.. I’ve left His orbit completely, and am now in ANOTHER PERSON’S orbit (personal conviction: there are no inbetweens). Oh my lore, talk about dangerous. This is frightening, because a circumstance or an idea -IN THIS PLACE- can be completely true and completely clear.. withOUT ::ME:: understanding it. 

For instance. One time I saw a boyfriend “size-up” another girl. In a perfect world where I am always with Truth in the center of “Now,” I may have observed the sizing-up, paused to reflect on the nature of it, taken any necessary action the reflection may have incurred (slap, discuss, laugh, etc), and move on. HOWEVER, when I am self-consumed, I’m not operating from a central point!!! I’m operating from a distant point, LOOking central. So, in this case, I saw the sizing-up, I hated the boyfriend, I hated the girl, and I decided to become anorexic.

SICK!!!!!!!!!!

So.. I’m.. trying to.. not live there. Because I (me) have realized that whenever I am out of Truth, I am not. actually. living.

Aaaaaand.. ’s all I gots t’say.

My own great Highness has been revealing and prodding and touching me. ..He always is, but I’ve been quiet enough to hear His voice lately.

..and it’s.. 

::speechless sigh::

…

But anyway.. I do actually have something to say.. this one BIGGIE He’s been showing me over the past several weeks is a parallel. He knows I grasp things BEST when they’re parablaic (new word, means “in parable form). ANyway, the parallel is: 

This Spiritual Journey = Traffic..

I don’t have time enough to go through the run-down of all the beautiful revelational parallels He’s shown me, there are just SO many. But I’ll do as many as I will..

So I was driving down the road the other day, behind an old man with a hat on, bless his heart.. and he was going about fifteen miles under the speed limit. I knew the road, so I knew that there was no passing for miles. I wanted to murder him. Not really, but the FEELing was “murder.” I usually do about five to ten miles OVer the speed limit, and this guy was throwing off my GROOve. I had somewhere to BE, I had things to get DONE. I was on the CLOCK! He had NO idea my situation, because if he did, he’d either go faster or pull over and let me go in front of him. But since he didn’t know me or my situation, my temptation was to ride his bumper just to LET him KNOW how much I hated him. He may never know me, he may never care – but by God he would know my ANGER.

Can you see the parallel? Feel free to stop for a sec and THINK about it.. it’s awesome.

God convicted me in my heart of miny-miny things..siiiiigh, and I sat in my car behind the old man, remembering His love for me.. bringing it to the forefront of my mind and heart.. recalling the things He’d done for me, the things He’d given me, the peace always available to me, the grace that surrounds me.. and suddenly I realized that the DESTINATION was ONLY HALF the JOURNEY! Thank GOD for the destination! It gives hope, vision, drive, motivation.. but if that’s the ONLY thing I focus on.. well, other things happen that I’ll talk about in a sec– but if I’m focused solely on the JOURney, I’ll get TOtally overwhelmed with the traffic around me! 

So – being a person of extremes – I took that revelation and RAN with it. I decided that the GOAL was what I wanted to focus on, and let my surroundings.. the people in front, the people behind.. all gooooo. Unfortunately – like I just mentioned – this “other thing” happened. Namely, I almost DIED because I wasn’t paying any attention to the MOMENT. I left the present and was CENTERED in the FUTURE. 

BIG MISTAKE (as the Spleen says in “Mystery Men)!

I lost touch with the journey! I was driving down the road, being so “spiritually-minded” that I plumb didn’t consider my fellow journeymen! I almost ran into people, I didn’t notice when people were cutting me off.. I was not of sober mind. This place, I think, is almost more dangerous than being too journey-minded.

So, I’ve been working on staying centered in Christ as a LIFEstyle, not necessarily a consciousness. ..Does that make sense? Like.. you learn how to operate a car.. it takes a while, but after a while, the motions become second nature. You automatically buckle up, you automatically put the clutch in when you turn the key, you automatically flip the lights on.. etc. It’s not a conscious decision.. it’s a kind of faith in the structure and physics of the car.. and the structure and metaphysics of the road system. ..don’t I sound intelligent..

ANyway.. so I was driving along one day after this.. drinking my coffee and eating an apple, happily healthy, driving to yoga, loving GOD and LIFE and MUSIC.. when..

SOME IDIOT pulled up behind me and almost TOUCHed my bumper. Again.. the temptation was to act out of my emotions. I wanted to SPEED like a CRAZY person and SHOW that bleepety-bleep that I COULD go fast, I just CHOSE to drive the BLEEPING SPEED LIMIT because I didn’t want to pay a billion DOLLars to the bleeping POPOs. (Can you feel the emotion?) But then I thought, “HECK, I’ll just slooooow DOWn you freaking FREAK so you CAN hit me, then you can freakin’ PAY FOR A NEW CAR for me! JEEEEERK.”

So, needless to say, I completely forgot about my apple, coffee, yoga, life, music, health, and GOD. I forgot. Suddenly they meant NOTHing to me. The one thing in the forefront of my knowledge.. the one thing I was stANDing on.. was that this person behind me was NOT following the RULes.

This ties into another experience I had on the road recently. I was doing an unusual amount of driving, this particular day.. and I witnessed at least FOUR people run red lights. I would normally have been a little smug and never thought about it again, but since there were so many.. and they were all so BLAtant, it got my wheels spinning (no pun intended).

When people don’t follow the rules.

There are so many rules. So many gray areas too. For instance, the speed LIMIT is 55, but I was going 65 the other day and a policee-man passed me, just going about 67. I knew a policeman once who said he wouldn’t pull anyone over on the interstate for going 15 miles over the limit. But Cindy R. was pulled over for going FIVE miles over.. (this could go into corruption of the governing authority..) Another gray area would be the yellow light! ..I never know whether to speed up or slow down! Others are stop signs (complete stop?), blinkers in turning lanes, blaring music, blaring muffler, tinted windows, passing in the right lane.. and the list goes on.

There was an instance a week or so ago where I was going to some friends’ house, and I knew for a fact that there were going to be fifty bajillion cars there.. and these friends live on a narrow street with limited parking.. in a somewhat shady neighborhood. As I was nearing the house, my suspicions were confirmed.. no parking for about a quarter of a mile away, and several shady-looking neighbors were standing around that area.. they looked irritated that so many cars were in front of their yards.

I had a few options at that point. It was a gray area.. so I could:

1) Turn around and go home; screw the Vision, calling, and journey.. these intimidating neighbors and the impending walk back were too much!!!
2) Park in the middle of their party; put myself in possible danger, especially of getting my feelings hurt.. they might be scary, but doggone it, the Vision doesn’t need to be protected!!!
3) Drive around and worry for a few hours; nothing helps a situation like thinking it to death, ey? A speciality of mine.. think about EVERY SINGLE possibility until I’m pretty sure I could face any of them.. which I never would because I’m so busy worrying about what would happen if I did.. AHH!!!! or..
4) Follow the smaaaaall, tiny little voice in my stomach that said, “Pop over to Josh’s house!”

Which is what I did.. and a friend was there, and we talked! And it was good. Then he rode with me back to the friends’ house, where there was an empty parking space right smack dab in front of the house.

I’m just.. I’m just STRUCK by how God.. He just KNOWS. Solomon said, “The mind of a man plans his ways, but the LORD directs his steps.” I totally have a plan made and a pair of feet to carry it out!.. but His plan, time and time again, proves to be so.. so much better than mine. The key is a listening, teachable, and right-sized soul before Him.

Ooooooookee dokee, well, I’ve got to go deposit a check.. I wonder how long this post is.. I feel like I’ve been writing for three minutes, but I just looked up and saw that it’s been almost an hour! Gracious. Josh Garrels will do that..

Deep, deep love to all..

So..

..I was in the DEPTHS of deSPAIR a few weeks ago, ACHING and GROAning in the deepest parts of my heart.. feeling everything larger than life, and wishing everything were simple.. when I stumbled upon this thought:

The pits show me the heights.. just like the black accentuates the white.

I have this tendency to think that God’s will is always white.. His desire is for me to always be in love, always to be secure, safe, peaceful, joyful, content.. but when I actually step back and think about that.. what’n heck’fire would my life be LIKE if everything went like I wanted it to all the time?

Anyway..

I was thinking these thoughts sitting in the middle of a puddle of tears (quite, quite literally), and they provided me with some amount of clarity. I think God’s peace IS, in essence, “clarity.” It doesn’t mean comfort, ease, and slow smiles.. it’s when I’m in the middle of the biggest crisis of all time, and I fall prostrate in my heart to God the Father.. and remember.. that He is “intimately acquainted with all my ways.” I think His peace must only come with submission.. at least that’s been my experience.

So I fell prostrate in my heart, to Father.. and the prayer of my convulsing gut was simply, “What do I need to do/be to be taken up to be with you?” I meant it spiritually, by the way.. and I was in such an OPEN, receptive place in my spirit, that I heard a few things..

1. “The sacrifices of our God are a broken and a contrite heart,” and

2. “Rejoice in the LORD always, and again I say, rejoice!”

And I thought, “I can do that first one.. I’m actually already there. Can I go from this place to rejoicing?” The fact of the matter is.. when you’re “at rock bottom” emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc.. if you’re thrown a rope, it’s kind of silly to think about it for more than a split second.

So I took it! I rejoiced in the LORD, I thanked Him for things, I remembered things He’d done in my life, I noticed His beauty, I sang, I laughed, I excercised, I ate delicious food, I called a friend and told them about His gREAtness.. and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding.. flooded my soul and my life.

He is a good God. He is a mysterious God. He is with me. Today.

Journal, Journal, Journal.. it’s been a few days. I’m.. just sittn here, lazily, lovelily.. listening to Josh Garrels. God speaks to me through this man. Especially “Don’t Wait for Me.” Mmmmmm..

Many things have come to me recently. One of the more relaxing things is.. I have nothing to lose, and nothing to prove. I don’t even owe an explanation for that.. so much of my life.. I would have thought I did..

I saw “Twilight” again today.. third time and still rockin’ my socks off. The parallels in that movie are.. wow. I found myself realizing in sheer happiness, that no man (NO. MAN. EVER.) can be as perfect as Edward is portrayed. Everything about his character in the movie is who only my God can be.. to me. What a joy to stumble upon.. my God is ethereally, limitlessly, self-controlledly, respectfully, overwhelmingly.. in love with me.

..I had to end that paragraph because it was too sacred to touch. It’s all true. Can I remember it when people are disrespectful, limited, controlling, and careless to me.. that’s another question. I suppose.. hmmm.. I suppose that since we’re “formed in the image of God,” unless I’m staring HIM down in the MOMENT, I’ll forget.. and expect people to act like the God they look like.

Hmmm.. what a mistake that is. I suppose I can’t afford to take my eyes off Him anymore. How wonderful. Why would I want to look anywhere else. I keep coming back to John Piper’s words.. “The goal of the enemy is to take our eyes off what is more beautiful than his temptations.”

And I’m starting to sneeze a lot.. so I’m going to do some laundry, and smile. Because I’m in love.

Come!
Into your own
Take
Into your lungs
Life!

See!
The scales
Cherish
The choice to
Live!

Stand!
Against compromise
Rise
When beaten to
Walk!

Let!
Your voice go
Feel
Freedom
Alive!

Dear Diary,

Today was GREAT, except for a few things. I got up early and let Loewen out while I snoozed for a bit. Made the coffee, took a shower, turned on the shuffle and listened to LOUD music while I worked on Mercy League Haiti’s ID cards. Went to work and laminated them.. did a few hours work there, then met Asha for coffee at the Golden Roast. 

It seems like every single time I’ve ever met someone at the Golden Roast, we always end up (or start out) talking about homeschooling.. it’s getting to be bizarre how that is continually happening..

Anyway, then I thought I was going nuts because my body was doing strange things on the way home, like.. I felt like I was going to go to sleep, my head started POUNding, my back/neck muscles were twitching like crazy-pants, and I just wanted to CRY. I thought it might be an attack, so I started to draw my sword, when several things popped into my head at once. The acronym “HALT,” which stands for “Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired,” John Piper’s book about health and the conceptual realm, and the realization that I hadn’t eaten yet.

So when I got home, I ate some leftover spaghetti with cheese, and am now thinking about eating half a dozen brownies.. probably won’t do that. Probably will, but probably will pretend that I wouldn’t. Hmm.

Anyway, one thing that ruined today – almost – it’s not over yet – was the fact that.. I worked.. pretty hard on the Haiti cards. I pretty much worked on them all morning. I hand-cut the cards and laminated them myself. I don’t have the necessary programs to make the cards in, so I rigged the one I do have.. and it took time and energy. I really WANted to do that for them. I was exCITed to be a part of something spectacular and vision-full. I plowed through and was feeling very accomplished as I laminated the last one.

Then.. I heard this voice.. saying, “You’re no good, you’ve failed today,” actually that’s from a song.. it actually said, “Your best isn’t good enough. They’ll accept your effort, but they’ll never come to you again. You’d better throw in the towel on being ‘useful,’ because you just plain suck at it. Watch their faces when they look at the cards.. it’ll be that same old face that says, ‘Oh! That’s.. nice!.. Carla..’ just watch. They won’t appreciate your heart, they’ll only appreciate the result.. which is terrible.”

Saying that out loud is really sobering. There was a lot of profanity in the speech, that I didn’t say.. because of onions. But anyway.. that’s really what I hear, Diary.. all the time.. constantly.. non-stop. Sucks. I believe it too. I really do. I believe that my effort.. my heart, my courage to stand up and claim who God made me to be.. I believe that it, in essence, falls short.

Which makes me crazy. Believing this MAKES. ME. CRAZY. If I’m “not good enough,” then what the HECK am I still doing here?? If I’m never going to get there, why am I walking?? These are the cries of my heart.. I don’t have an established answer.. I know that the voice of Truth tells me that I am powerless to “measure up.” Only when I am convinced that the scales have been taken away (JESUS CHRIST), do I experience any kind of sanity.

He is able to remove my shortcomings.. by removing the judgement factor. Hmmm..

Ohhh Diary.. I am so thankful for Jesus Christ’s work at the Ol’ Rugged. I may name my coffee shop that.. The Ol’ Rugged.. has a nice ring. 

Well, this has been extremely good to get out of my swarming-marming heart. Thank you, Diary, for always listening to me.. when I go back and read you, you always say such sweet things to me. We should be in contact more often.